Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It