[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.