@twylaredsun: Don't insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.
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@shutupmikeginn: Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
@iGreenMonk: I failed my driver's test. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light? I said "I usually see what people are up to on twitter.
@TOMayorFord: Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.