@twylaredsun: Don't insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.
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@iwearaonesie: [Jurassic Park] kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur? me: What? kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus me *pushes him out of the tree*
@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
@pembdave: Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07