I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
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Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
S O O N
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.