Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.