DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker