DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen