Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
You Might Also Like
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
3% human
97% stress
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*