Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work