Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
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We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.