It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
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When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.