“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?