Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
The Assassin.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Milk Cube