@Dawn_M_: Don't judge me because I like 80's music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.
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@samalmightysam: The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn't send you subtweets.
@stephenjmolloy: [Every restaurant ever] Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?" Waiter: "Yes." Manager: "Go and ask him how his meal is."
@SamGrittner: *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]