Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Why do meteors always land in craters?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.