The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.