Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
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A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.