“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
You Might Also Like
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees