psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
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He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Barbie gone wild
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”