@SCbchbum: "Don't kill it!" my friend pleaded for a spider's life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.
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@tequilasaltlife: I'm a good driver until there is a cop behind me Then I become a paranoid weed transporter from the border
@joeljeffrey: I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down... and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.
@audipenny: Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
@vincevangone: Infomercial: "Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can't get any results?" Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!