@SCbchbum: "Don't kill it!" my friend pleaded for a spider's life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.
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@ArfMeasures: [Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?
@OkieGirl405: I changed my relationship status to "I'm sharpening my knives" on Facebook so my boyfriend's family will never come visit
@rockymomax: HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club ME: but we’re talking about it now HIM: I mean like to your friends ME: were not friends? HIM: I mean kinda but- ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched