None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.