I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later