My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
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*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.