i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.