On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
You Might Also Like
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal