Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills