Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*