Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
You Might Also Like
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?