@neiltyson: Don't know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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@PeachCoffin: *admires David at the museum* I can't believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
@NYC_Blonde: I enjoy April Fool's Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with "no wonder you've been looking chubby".
@ProdigyNelson: [date] Me: *ok don't let her know I'm a bull* Her: "so what are some red flags for you?" Me: *sweating* "haha red flags? Where?"
@olerunkbitch: Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.