Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
You Might Also Like
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome