Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.