Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*