Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything