Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
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no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!