@Scorpio1080: Don't let people push you around. Unless it's in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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@sliver_of: I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
@amydillon: [son comes home with big lump on his forehead] ME: Oh no, what happened? 7: I fell down on the playground. ME: How did you fall? 7: Forward.
@stephenjmolloy: Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.
@Sassafrantz: Me: There's nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week. Tequila: We're gonna fight every girl in this bar!