Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
This January has 47 Mondays
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.