People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Oh no
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.