I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
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I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Can Happiness buy money?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it