Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”