@WilliamRodgers: Don't let that "Metalica" t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball"
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@ConanOBrien: I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
@vikkaroni: I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
@murrman5: [during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all