Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
how to exercise your calf muscles
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”