Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My kitchen overserved me.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.