Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
*orders delivery*
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.