Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh