Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler