@jwoodham: Don't listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They're just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn't anxious.
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@davedittell: *friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*
@Midgetspar: Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
@matt___nelson: [getting escorted out of zoo] "I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie"