Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Google Pay be like:
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️