I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?