Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.