MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Breaking news:
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!