@Laser_Cat: The best way to get a job is to hold the other person's hand through the interview. If you don't get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

@SharkJelly: [1hr before date] Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

@RealCarrotFacts: Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

@jergarl: [Showing a friend around the house] Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn. *motions to area covered in popcorn.

@_GrahamPatrick: LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills. ME: I think the line is 'particular'. LIAM NEESON: Nope! *He rollerblades away juggling dogs*