Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.