Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.