Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.