@RandiLawson: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I'm composing a strongly worded email
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@Philosopherbing: Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet: "You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth." Oh shit....
@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.
@tastefactory: EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says "Here lies updog" EXPLORER 2: What's updog? EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
@SteveSuckington: [walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head] "What are you supposed to be?" ME: I'm not wearing a costume