Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
How to make infinite energy.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Google assistant rules
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!