@RandiLawson: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I'm composing a strongly worded email
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@ceejoyner: Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras
@NicestHippo: GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled WOODPECKERS: We didn't get anything GOD: Oh. Uh...just pound trees with your face
@El_nacho_Nigre: Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you'll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
@MattMcElaney: Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.